Friday, February 01, 2008

Like a frat boy on a Friday night

Wingal berated last night me for not posting this story of me in the grocery store.

But first a little back ground:

So we brought home another pug a few months ago. His name is Mooch, he's 7 and he is the sire of our other two pugs. All was relatively well. Mooch & Fez weren't getting a long at all (still don't really) but all in all we were doing okay. And then one day, about a month after we brought him home, Mooch couldn't pee. We brought him in to the vet and the vet found a stone in his wenis. Well she got one out but said there was a second and we ended up having to go out to another vet at an animal hospital that is nicer than my doctor's office. Long story short, the poor guy was in the hospital for a week with bladder stones.

When we went to pick him up to come home we met with the nurse, excuse me, vet tech about the care and change in diet Mooch was going to need. He needed one drug for pain (morphine) one drug to ward off infections (one of the penicillin family), and a prescription for valium. The valium was for Mooch's wenis, which was swollen and, um, hanging low. Mooch pulled out his catheter twice, irritating the urethra and giving himself an infection and swelling the wenis. Also since it was hanging out...

"Are either of you allergic to latex," the vet tech asked?

"oh that is all you," I said to the husband.

"Since Mooch's member is outside of the sheath, it cannot self lubricate and it will need to be moistened several times a day. . ."

"how many," I interrupted?

"well, when it's dry, so 6 or 7 times a day maybe more. But you will also when lubing it need to give it a gentle shove to get the member to go back inside the sheath," the vet tech said with a straight face. I don't know how he did it. Larry was walking around with Mooch shaking his head and I was fighting back tears of laughter.

"you will need to buy more of this lube, you can get it at any pharmacy or probably at the grocery store."

"really? Oh what brand is it," I asked with the straightest face I could muster?

"K-y will be fine. . ."

I couldn't hold it any more I started laughing so hard I almost pee'd.

"But," the vet tech said, "not the warming kind."

"what about the scented?" I asked wiping the tears from my cheeks.

Finally he started laughing too. Larry however was not amused as he was looking at Mooch's wenis and realized this was his heft to bear.

So the next day I left the men all at home and I went out to the grocery store to get the prescription filled as well as the other supplies we were going to need for Mooch. So I bring the 'script to the pharmacist and head off to get the other items on my list while I waited. Latex gloves, check. K-y, check. oh hey that wine we like is on sale, okay 2 bottles of wine, check. My name was called by the pharmacist and I retrieved Mooch's valium. And then I looked in my basket...

I had:
2 bottles of wine
a box of latex gloves
a tube of K-y
20 pills of valium

I looked like a frat boy getting ready for a Friday night. Panicking that I now looked like a date rapist, I decided I also needed boneless skinless chicken breast and thing of cookie dough.

Now I looked like a date rapist who would first serve dinner and cookies.

I paid and left the store as fast as I could.


Jenny said...


Jenny said...


boobarella said...

I sat in the car after all of this laughing my ass off.

Jenny said...

Just me again.

When I told Raphael about Mooch's wenis during a fancy date-supper last night, I snorted up wine all over the classy bar all over again. Boobarella, I think you've made my week.

Poor Mooch.

Poor Larry.

boobarella said...

One of the funniest things was going to my parents for the holidays with the pug in tow. And Mooch's penis. Larry made sure to ask if anyone else needed anything while he had the glove on with the lube handy.

He's very accommodating that husband of mine.

Wingal said...

Even though I heard the live version, I'm still laughing my ass off reading it! And envisioning Jenny snorting up wine at a fancy restaurant...

By the way, having never seen Mooch before, I must say that I can see a little bit of Fez and a little bit of Oswin in that little face. Poor man.

And bonus points to Boobarella for being the first of us to use the word "urethra" on our blog. Sa-lute!