The State of the Union I wish I had heard tonight.

Thank you very much. Ladies & Gentlemen of the House, Senate, Joint Chiefs, Madam Speaker, distinguished guests, Joe, and people of the United States


Wow. So shit got real, really fast this year didn't it? We have no money, poor job growth, still no health care, Haiti is wrecked, etc etc etc. Did anyone have a good year?

Look, let's cut the bullshit. Seriously, we need to try to fix this, and do it now. Blah blah blah we're going to have to act now. I know you've already heard this all and it's probably of no help or piece of mind to see the members of this administration and your elected officials bickering on TV, online, and in print.

So here's my plan..think of it like my version of the Fourteen Points.

I'll wait while you all go look that up on Wikipedia.

We got it? You all good? Good. Like I said, here's my plan:

1) Both parties; cut the shit. I mean really. I, dare I say we the people, have had enough. This kind of relationship is ineffective to both business & government. Yes a Republican is now in Ted Kennedy's seat. Big deal. No offense to Ted, God bless him, but we all knew it might happen. And really the party of the person elected shouldn't matter because they were elected by the constituents of Massachusetts and Mr. Brown will come to D.C. to represent them. That is what he was elected to do. That was what we were all elected to do: to represent the people & their concerns. Mr. Brown represents a portion of the people in Massachusetts that felt he would bring their needs, wants, and desires to DC and he will keep those in mind while working on helping to move our great country forward. Mr. Brown will do the same thing that John Kerry, Henry Reid, Mitch McConnell, and John Barrasso are doing now.

You're all looking up Barrasso now aren't you? WY-R.

But grow up. Both parties. GROW UP. You were elected by people who some of you manipulated by fear and hate to get here. That has got to stop. Stop glaring at me. You know who you are. joe......

2) Taxes: I'm not cutting a damned thing. Not one cent. You know why? Because…boo all you want asshole…because you cannot get ANYTHING done in the country in this day & age w/o money. I'm sorry. Who do you think paves your roads and where do you think that money comes from? Hey Michigan! You want I-94 outside of Detroit fixed? Then We're going to tax the shit out of cigarettes so we can give money to the state so they can fix the damed road. You want health care? You want the troops to come home? You want to fix New Orleans? Cure cancer? Helllloooooooo taxes! Sorry boys & girls, but if you don't want to your future on hold we gotta pay the piper. We have been spending like drunk girls in a mall with dad's credit card. It's ridiculous.

It's a simple formula I am "proposing": the more you make (be it as an individual or corporation) the more you pay. Simple, clear, concise. If you make more you pay more. Oh and GE, GM, Ford, Bank of America? I'm taxing the shit out of those bonuses.

3) Jobs: funk yeah we need to get people working. More people working means more money coming in to us in taxes and more shit gets fixed. And the more money we bring in the more industries can grow and the more people we get working which brings in more money…do you all see this is a terrible cycle? More jobs. Yes we need them. But I can't just sign a document and *poof!* jobs appear. That I tell you we need more jobs and I'm going to help and in 2 months you're whining that "we still have no jooooooobs and it's all Obama's fault" is utter bull shit. The more we put money in to new forms of energy the more jobs we create in those fields and in the education of those fields. Now I can't help the Literature or History academics with that one, but come on give me a break. Who still does that as a job?

4) Health Care: Christ this should have been the easy one. What the hell is wrong with you people? IF WE HAVE PEOPLE WITH NO ACCESS TO HEALTH CARE THEN WE HAVE A TON OF PEOPLE WHO CAN'T GET BETTER AND AND WILL DIE! You there, when I say we're going to do this we're going to do this so stand up & clap. Say what you will, but denying to help people who are sick doesn't seem very "Christian" as you profess to be. Put aside your petty differences and lets hammer this out. One of you has to understand basic project management. If you don't someone go get one of those damned lobbyists. At least they can finally be useful for something other than buying that douche over there a new pool & some hookers. Anyway get a project manager and you have 30 days to get a decent plan to me. Also, if there isn't at least one PRACTICING M.D. and three RN's helping you on this project I will not even look at it. Don't any of you know that Gupta guy from CNN? Dr. Phil even?

Seriously, you have 30 days.

Oh and crazy old man from that video..Medicare is run by the government, so no I won't keep my hands out of thank you every much.

5) Student Loans: now there's a Ponzi Scheme if I ever saw one. But hey that's fine. Here's the thing, the pay back is crazy. So we're knocking it down and if you go to work for the Red Cross or some other Non-for Profit we'll cancel your debt. And by that I mean a legit one. Not ACORN. That was crazy wasn't it?

6) Affordable Child Care: I'm sorry why is this on my agenda? States - this one is all yours.

7) The War(s): Without naming names, this has been fully acknowledged as a huge fuck up. So now what? I know I know I said we would pull the troops out. We will. I wouldn't lie to all those West Point grads. Those kids have swords. But look, we really really messed up Iraq. I mean really. It was a bad move on America's part. And for that we're sorry. There is no Hallmark card for what we did there. So while we pull the troops out, Harvard University's departments of Politics, Economics, and Religion is in charge of putting that back together. You have 180 days to get that plan together and get it on my desk.

Why Harvard? Because their bid was the lowest. They're like academic contractors. See America, this is called "out sourcing." When you can't handle something on your own b/c it's just beyond your comprehension and there is someone or a group of someones out there than does have the skills you hire them to do it.

Afghanistan: how hard is it to find an old man in the mountains on dialysis???? We have our friends helping us, lets step that up.

8) The Economy: Christ. There is nothing good about this. Not a damned thing. No matter what I say you're going to get pissed. I can't curb too much spending b/c then shit won't get done. I can't increase spending b/c debt spending is a really bad idea (right home owners????). So see point 2. I'm taxing you. I'm going to do it you're going to hate it and yet we're going to live with it. We have to fix this huge debt. And you're right, Ben Bernanke has done a terrible job. I'm taking applications for that job. Closing date for applications is March 1, 2010. Please include with your Vita, 4 references and an 1000 word essay on your first steps in fixing this sinking ship.

9) You nine people in black robes - What the hell was that you did last week? Reversing that law was the single dumbest thing you have collectively in any iteration done. Do you have ANY idea what you have opened the door to? Remember how much we hate lobbyists? well sure you may have killed them, but now Phillip Morris, excuse me Altria, will actually become a Senator. wow, yeah, way to go on that one.

10) National Security: We're doing pretty good. We have some kinks to work out, TSA I'm looking at you, but over all I think we're safer now than we have been in years. There is no way we can predict what might happen next. But we can do our best to try. Homeland Security and the NSA are working on that. Thank god for the geeks, eh kids? That underpants terrorist guy? I'm tired of hearing about this. Yeah he got legal council. You know why? b/c he was on out turf and if any of you was in another country you would expect the same treatment. Do un to others…. You know, for a bunch of people who like to run around quoting the Bible you sure do forget quite a bit of the message.

11) Iran: Talk about nuts. That guy is wack-a-doodle. But here's the thing - he's one guy. Trust me he does not represent the thinking in that country nor does he represent Muslims. We're not bombing them we're not going after them. We just want to know what they are doing - Nuclear weapons or Nuclear Power? If it's power we may have something to learn from them. Weapons though…well then yes we'll have a problem. But I want proof before we start screaming about killing them.

12) North Korea: yeah. Not a threat. He's definitely crazy, but they have less money than we do. Heck they may have less money than Haiti at this point.

Hey China, N. Korea is all yours to take care of. We bigger advanced countries have to work together and since we have to help out Haiti (Yes people I said we HAVE to help them) can you please go take a look at North Korea and see what is going on over there?

13) The Gay thing: Like Health Care, this should have been an easy one. And like Health Care we cannot deny people their human rights. Buck up haters and except them. They're here, they're queer, and they're getting married and moving in next door. So they don't mesh with your idolatry. How do you deal with others that don't? Do you make laws against them? Is that how our country should work? the country that has "give me your tired, your hungry. . ." on our front door? No. Those of us who came to this country willingly came here for a better life. Whether it be a Spanish conquistador searching for riches or English Puritans looking for a more tolerant religious climate, or one of the nameless faces that streamed through Ellis Island in the late 19th-early 20th century, all came here for a better life and the chance to be happy and to be true to themselves. So lets stop the name calling and the finger pointing and the Bible quoting and remember you're an American and that we're all here for freedom and the pursuit of happiness, and let everyone do just that no matter who they are.

14) You didn't think I would carry through did you? Look, we have a great country. We need to get back on track, We used to be a great big innovative country, but since 9-11 we have become scared and introspective. We need to expand out work on alternative energy and helping the environment. No Global warming isn't a lie. I know in February when it's 10 degrees and snowing in Pueblo, NM it's hard to believe but it's true. If we had more time I would have Al Gore come on TV & show you. But really this is something we need to work on. Obviously there will be wear & tear on the plant. There are billions of people living here. But what we need to do is to not let it get worse. We have to work to be responsible land owners.

One more thing. I'm starting a national book club. For the next 6 months we'll be reading and discussing John Stuart Mills's "On Liberty." I'll have the first set of discussion questions on the White House web page next week. Our book club will feature a guest blogger for each month. This month the discussion blog will be run and moderated by Ken Burns.

Thank you, god bless you, and god bless the United States of America