When I Became Lame

Once upon a time, I spent most of my time having a lot of fun. Especially during THIS season of year. As a kid, I think we all remember the gleeful enjoyment Halloween brought... when the most stressful part of life was deciding what you were going to dress up as (though this was not terribly stressful for me, as I was often forced to be the same thing two or three years in a row because my family didn't really have much money for such frivolities... "Hello, I'm E.T.... again...").

In college, this time of year meant Hayrides... Delta Zeta hayrides (which involved a "Mystery Date," God help me, and I always knew who it was) and, far more importantly, DELT HAYRIDE. I was reminded of this by a recent post Jenny made on her blog. But there was no Delt Mystery Punch at Delt Hayride. There were only jugs and jugs and jugs of Delt Hard Cider... Delt Hayride was the one night in the live-long year that I didn't mind using Port-a-Potties... and using them frequently.

At WMU, the Goliards had their infamous Halloween parties. The first year I was hit on by a Theology student dressed as Mojo-JoJo (from the Power Puff Girls); the second year I was asked to perform lewd acts with a Flying Monkey who was in an "open marriage." I try not to remember the third year.

So, when did I get to be so lame? When did I start resorting to carving pumpkins alone in my apartment and watching PBS specials on Giant Pumpkin growers? We know when it was... it didn't come with an age, it came with a territory. And now I just have to hope that, when I leave Misery, my lameness will go away and I'll become cool again. Because seriously, I am quickly becoming a LOSER.

Am I the only one who feels this way?

Music, or lack thereof

I love my husband. Lets just start out with that.

I love my husband. But what the hell is this. . . I hesitate to call it "music". . .he put on the stereo??

We're supposed to be doing homework and studying. Who can concentrate with this bizzare orgasm of crap comeing out of the speakers? It's like Kenny G died and his zombie came back with Doug Henning and made this.

I feel like I am either:
1) shopping for furniture
2) shopping for furniture in the early 80's
3) shopping for furniture on a game show

I know he doesn't like, and merely humors me by listening to, a good portion (say 60%) of the music I like. And I respect that everyone has different musical tastes. And I try really hard not to play the Bjork when he's home and have pretty much limited her to my iPod.

But I have never been in an elevator and had someone say "wow this is great, I wonder if I can get this at the music store?" But apparently some one does sell those cds some place, b/c we have at least one.

I love my husband, and would move to South Dakota for him if the need arose. But this music. . .this I cannot do.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JENNY!!!!!

Or, as Boobarella and Wingal sing it:

"It's your birthday, it's your birthday!
What a great day for your birthday!
Bock, Bock, BOCK!!!!!!"

(Imagine us dressed as chickens.)

Have a great birthday!!!! I love you!!! Oh, and your package is in the mail... or will be just as soon as I finish drinking my coffee and hustle over to the post office. Stupid Christopher Columbus and his day of honor...

An argument with Pam

Pam Cooking Spray. All Natural No-Stick Cooking Spray. 100% Olive Oil.

Well let me take a look here. . .I’ll be damned there is a whole nutritional label!? On Pam? The serving size is, let’s see here…”1/3 second spray”

WTF??? A third of a second? Who in the world not only got paid to sit in a lab and work on this, but actually pays attention to this!?!? I mean come on! A third of a second? "OMG how long did you spray that? oh I am going to be soo fat.." Or better yet: Conversations form the Lab

*SCHPRRT*

Nope, too much fat

*SCHPRT*

Still way too much.

*SCHP*

Almost!

*SP*

No, now that is too little

*SCH*

YES! That’s it! Dude we got it! Hey do you think we can do whip-it’s off this?

Oh and by the way, I read the ingredients. It’s not 100% Olive Oil. They also list “Grain Alcohol, Soy Lecithin, and Propellant.” So, wait, if there is grain alcohol in this, can our Muslim friends use it?

Random Observations

Four things are distressing me this Monday morning:

1. No matter how early I get to school, I have still accomplished virtually NOTHING by the time I have to go assist with the Old English class at 1:10.

2. Some anonymous person labeled the picture of Cedric I posted in my cubicle: "Portrait of Gertrude Stein's Cat." And last I checked I was decidedly NOT Gertrude Stein.

3. The smell of the English Department's powdered creamer for the coffee was familiar to me; unfortunately, when I realized a while later that the smell was familiar because it was exactly like the smell of pet store fish food, I had to spit all my coffee back into my mug and try hard to keep breakfast from rejoining me on my desk.

and 4. There's a long-lost member of the "Rat Pack" who sits outside our building every morning, wearing some sort of pin-striped three-piece suit and a fodora, and smoking a cigar. EVERY DAY. He's a GRADUATE STUDENT. Let's face it, what distresses me most about it is that I feel I ought to start dressing like Grace Kelly or Audrey Hepburn or something... I need a shitty printed dress and a vagina hat, clearly. Then when I approach the building he can call me "doll-face" and I can have low self-esteem, overly red lipstick, and a secretarial job.